The Best Thanksgiving Closed Captions

At this time of year, when what you’re most thankful for is a warm cocktail and a good chuckle to distract you from the woes of 2020 — cinema can provide a genuinely comforting taste of normal. That’s why we’ve carved out time, before we carve our turkeys, to round up a smorgasbord of Thanksgiving-themed closed captions to feast your eyes on and inspire your after-dinner binge sesh.

Whether it’s movies that take place on T-Day, or just nod to the holiday hoopla, the Thanksgiving genre is a plentiful harvest. May the following Thanksgiving closed captions give your spirits a bounce to rival your Aunt Myrtle’s cran-raspberry Jell-O salad.

You’ve Got Mail

Joe Fox: “Happy Thanksgiving. It’s your turn to say Happy Thanksgiving back.”
Rose: “Happy Thanksgiving back.”

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis Reynolds: “What am I supposed to be thankful for, exactly? Who am I meant to be thanking, right?”
Charlie Kelly: “I’ve had to scratch and claw for everything I’ve got. If anything, I should be thanking myself.”

Roseanne

“Here I am, 5 o’clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” —Roseanne Barr

Gilmore Girls

Lorelai Gilmore: “I ate Tofurkey. How do you think I feel?”
Rory Gilmore: “Tofurkier.”

The O.C.

“Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is often? I dream about eating so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out at the table. Please don’t deny me that.” —Seth Cohen

Funny People

“I swear to you, this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving, the one that you’ll want the rest of your life. The one that you say ‘Man, it was never as good as that night.’ So let this night be great.” —George Simmons

Home for the Holidays

“Well, that was absurd. Let’s eat dead bird!” —Tommy Larson

WKRP in Cincinnati

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.” —Arthur Carlson

New Girl

“Here’s a tip: Don’t cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in 14 hours. Here’s another tip: Don’t ask a guy out for a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.” —Schmidt

How I Met Your Mother

“The Thankstini: a fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.” —Barney Stinson

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

The Office

“Next stop, pies!” — Stanley Hudson