Ricky Gervais 2020 Golden Globes Speech Transcript

Ricky Gervais: (00:01)
You’ll be pleased to know, this is the last time I’m hosting these awards so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either, fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Hello? Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is. I got offered this gig by fax.

Let’s go out with a bang. Let’s have a laugh at your expense, shall we? Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all going to die soon and there’s no sequel. Yeah, remember that. But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for, okay? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her, and her dad was in Wild Hogs.

Lot’s of big celebrities here tonight. I mean, legends, icons, yeah? This table alone, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you, man, don’t have me whacked. But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world, people from every background, but they all have one thing in common, they’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you, he’s coming for you.

Look, talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies, Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up, shut up. I don’t care, I don’t care. Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood Foreign Press are all very, very racist. Fifth time. We were going to do an in memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people that had died, it wasn’t diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, “Nah, not on my watch.” Maybe next year, let’s let’s see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore, no one goes to the cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, “Well done, Netflix. You win everything. Goodnight,” but no. No, we’ve got a drag it out for three hours. You could binge watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it’s still more fun than this, okay? Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane, didn’t you?

Right, but seriously, most films are awful, lazy, remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumor that there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl Streep going, “Well, it’s got to be this one then.” All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO. The actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore, it’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids really. Have we got an award for most ripped junkie? No. No point, we know who’d win that.

Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree. Although, I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides, is he? He’s tiny. Right, The Irishman was amazing, it was amazing. It was, it was great. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere, and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew’s like, “Come on, Leo, mate. You’re nearly 50, son.”

The world got to see James Cordon as a fat p***y. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, “This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs,” but Dame Judy Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she, I can’t do this next joke, because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her … Furball, furball. She’s old school. It’s the last time, who cares?

Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama. Yeah, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. Well, you say you’re woke, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable, Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you? If you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech, all right? You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world, most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. If you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and … It’s already three hours long.

Right, let’s do the first award. The first award? The first award is for Best Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy. To present the award are a couple of actors off the tele, what can I say? Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon.

In a little while, we’re going to see a short clip from The Irishman. It’s 88 minutes long.

Welcome back. Still having a good time? Good. As you know, the meal tonight was all vegetables, as are the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Please welcome their president, Lorenzo Soria.

Hello, we’re back. Knives Out has three nominations tonight. Yeah. See what can happen if you don’t dress people up as cats? It’s that easy.

Hello, welcome back. I’ve got nothing negative to say about these next two presenters because the big one could snap me in half. Please welcome Zoe Kravitz and Jason Momoa.

Amazing. A lot of controversy about our next category. No female directors were nominated this year, not one. I mean, that’s bad. Genuine, I’ve had a word with the Hollywood Foreign Press and they’ve guaranteed that will never happen again. Because working with all the major studios, they’ve agreed to go back the way things were a few years ago when they didn’t even hire women directors and that will solve the problem. You’re welcome.

Kill me. We’re nearly done. Jesus, it’s already … Right, last one, last one. Come on, guys. Our next presenter starred in Netflix’s Bird Box, a movie where people survive by acting like they don’t see a thing, sort of like working for Harvey Weinstein. You did it, I didn’t, you did it … Please welcome Sandra Bullock.

That’s it. Goodnight, thank you. Please donate to Australia. Have a great time, get drunk, take your drugs …

Ricky Gervais 2020 Golden Globes Speech Transcript

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